January 2009
74 posts
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an analog man in a digital world, part 3
when my dad first got a dvd player, he would manually rewind the dvds that he had rented before returning them.
[parts 1 & 2]
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beans, beans
there are two types of people in this world: the beans, beans they’re good for your heart people and the beans, beans the magical fruit people. i am one of the former.
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a breakfast calamity many years ago
when i was just a small fry, i resolved to make my parents breakfast in bed. a walkthrough:
i wasn’t allowed to use the stove or knives (i’m still not). so i decided upon cereal.
for fun, i chose to COMBINE different cereals into a giant mixing bowl. a culinary mash-up! cap’n crunch vs. product 19 vs. count chocula vs. grape nuts.
as further inspiration, i elected NOT to...
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a note upon starvation
about the fourth day you begin to feel almost intoxicated panic subsides one sleeps well: 12 to 14 hours, and most unusual one continues to defecate. the vision grows more acute everything is seen with a new clarity.
a note upon starvation, charles bukowski (1980)
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question
could one ask an architect if he anticipates a complete erection once he completes erection—or would that be puerile?
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vegetarian authors
john keats
george bernard shaw
percy bysshe shelley
leo tolstoy
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order
“In describing horses, one would do best to adhere to the following order: country, sex, age, height, markings. ie. Arab gelding, 2 years, 16 hands, sock forelegs.”
from the language of field sports by c.e. hare (1939) related: order for ordering coffee at starbucks location you plan on drinking it, temperature, size, type, wetness, shots, syrup, milk type, extra directions
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and are puzzles posted on the ragbag?
indeed. here is one that is really elegant and not too hard to solve but very satisfying.
Mr. Scott, his sister, his son, and his daughter play tennis. The best player’s twin and the worst player are of opposite sex. The best player and the worst player are the same age. Which is the best player?
p.s. there are no tricks involved—(e.g.) mr. scott is actually a billiard ball and...
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syntactic ambiguity
a political adversary once called former governor kirk of florida a “fat ladies’ man.” to which the governor retorted, “I like thin ladies too.”
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overheard at a fenway club this weekend
“you remind me of a bond girl…DAME JUDY DENCH.”
i think this was the first neg that i ever heard in the wild. also, apparently it’s bond day at the ragbag.
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my dad is a mad men
the steps my dad takes to send me an email:
on his morning commute, he dictates his letter to me. “dear raynor comma new line i have been very busy lately comma but wanted to respond to your latest email period.”
upon arriving at his office, he hands the dictation tape (it’s real magnetic tape, not a digital one) to his secretary.
his secretary transcribes the dictation and...
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le quattro stagioni
VERNAL means springlike
ESTIVAL means summery
SEROTINAL means autumnal
BRUMAL means wintry
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3 unlikely writers who wrote james bond movies
roald dahl (you only live twice)
anthony burgess (on her majesty’s secret service)
joseph heller (casino royale)
additionally, woody allen worked on casino royale and kingsley amis wrote colonel sun, a james bond novel.
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update (7/15/2011): george macdonald fraser (of flashman fame) wrote the screenplay for octopussy.
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to bake eeles
Cut your Eeles about the length of your finger: season them with Pepper, Salt, and Ginger, and so put them into a Coffin, with a good piece of sweet Butter. Put into your Pye great Razins of the Sunne, and an Onyon minst small, and so close it and bake it.
it looks as if i found the perfect recipe for tomorrow’s dinner party. can anyone lend me an eel coffin or a great razin of the...
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a weird euphemism for pubic hair
nether fleece
(used in an erotic novel that i am reading)
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my mom just told me her secret spaghetti recipe
as a kid, i would eat my mom’s pasta like it was cocaine kettlecorn. her secret is this: butter in the noodles, sugar in the sauce. go figure.
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semantics
this just in:
Four of the constituent states of the United States officially designate themselves Commonwealths [rather than as states]. This designation, which has no constitutional impact, emphasizes that they have a “government based on the common consent of the people” as opposed to one legitimized through their earlier Royal Colony status that was derived from the King of Great...
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a trick i picked up
whenever anyone asks you a hypothetical question about what you would do in a certain situation, ALWAYS say you would do the most noble option.
ie. if you are asked if you would run into a burning building to save a litter of stray kittens (even if they are kind of ugly), your response should be, “hell yes! and if i see any smouldering hamsters in there, i’ll pocket them as well. and...
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fuck
Hearing a curse elicits a literal rise out of people…Their skin conductance patterns spike, the hairs on their arms rise, their pulse quickens, and their breathing becomes shallow.
Interestingly, said Kate Burridge, a professor of linguistics at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, a similar reaction occurs among university students and others who pride themselves on being educated when...
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a request
first an update: it seems that the pink eye virus has now infiltrated my right eye (my ogling eye). it would have been nice if my immune system could have figured out the secret code for defeating the virus beforehand, but at least my eyes match now.
anywho, can anyone recommend a novel that takes place in southwestern pennsylvania (or northwestern maryland)? pittsburgh novels, while wonderful,...
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out, vile jelly
this last weekend, i got myself invited to a swanky dinner party BUT i also got myself an absolutely revolting case of pink eye. as a wannabe deipnosophist, i refused to turn the invitation down, no matter how unappetizing my eye (and its velveeta® coloured pus) was—what to do?
the answer, as tom cruise already knows, was to wear an eyepatch. not only did i wear a skull-and-bones eyepatch for the...
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a social experiment
if i ever have twins, i will name one dan and the other evil dan. it will be a social experiment.
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the euphemism treadmill
is when words originally intended as euphemisms begin to acquire negative connotations themselves »
Idiot, imbecile, and moron were once neutral terms for a developmentally delayed child but soon acquired negative connotations so the phrase mentally retarded was used to replace them. Now that too, is considered rude and used as an insult. As a result, new terms like mentally challenged,...
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harry s truman
the 33rd president’s middle name was the letter s—the period was optional.
related: homer j. simpson’s (a character on the t.v. show, matlock) middle name is jay.
also: american usage calls for a period after the title ms, even though it is an invented word that is not an abbreviation of anything.
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vasectomy fridays
my uncle, who is a family physician in a small town, routinely has vasectomy friday parties at his clinic. every friday, bunches of reluctant men queue in his waiting room, biding their time until he renders them totally and irreversibly sterile. what a party!
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a libelous remark
without going into details, i’d like to announce the following:
don’t buy HP products and don’t under ANY circumstances ever have a one night stand with anybody that owns an HP product, EVEN if he/she is sooooper hot and retrieved the product from a dumpster (which is where it belongs). also, try your best to avoid the letters h and p altogether if possible.
carry on.
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folie à deux
from wikipedia:
Folie à deux (literally, “a madness shared by two”) is a rare psychiatric syndrome in which a symptom of psychosis (particularly a paranoid or delusional belief) is transmitted from one individual to another.
a case study:
Margaret and her husband Michael, both aged 34 years, were discovered to be suffering from folie à deux when they were both found to be sharing...
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a short correspondence
in 1862, victor hugo wrote his publisher to enquire if his novel, les misérables was selling well. as he was on vacation, he was short on words—scrawling only, “?”. the reply from his publisher soon came—a letter with no words save, “!”. touché!
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high treason
after watching the tom cruise eye patch movie where he hunts hitler down with a crossbow and a bucket of tarantulas (spoiler alert: he turns into a werewolf before he can get the kill shot off), i have become increasingly horny for a good coup d’état movie—something brimming with sedition and samizdat and revolution. because i like your taste, tell me, what fits the bill?
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