April 2011
17 posts
3 tags
words wholly unrelated
schmuck (the the german word for jewel) & schmuck (the yiddish word for <ahem> dick) what the smucker family fruit spread cartel doesn’t want you to know is that they were originally schmuckers, a long line of swiss jewelers. once they infiltrated america, they changed their name because if its connotations with—in a twist worthy of the one good m. night shyamalan movie—smoking....
Apr 27th
40 notes
2 tags
and the award for best book title of 1809 goes...
MEMOIRS OF BRITISH QUADRUPEDS dear sagacious, memoir-penning, nation-state-observing, highly useful, quadrupeds: your book will keep me entertained for ages to come. thank you.
Apr 22nd
17 notes
2 tags
the firebrand of the universe
the other day, a grubby street urchin called me father and i looked him up and down and was like, “you don’t have my menacing cheekbones and stag-like glutes. ‘tis certain i am no sire of yours, despite my aptitude for philandering.” and as i was sprinting away (in next season’s most fashionable sandalware), he called, “begging your pardon sir, ‘twas a...
Apr 22nd
20 notes
5 tags
Apr 21st
138 notes
Apr 15th
5 tags
pronouncing sex words 102
you wake up to the sound of your zune alarm blasting rule, brittania! as it does every morning at 7:30 without fail. you feel the frictionless satin of foreign sheets, you smell an exotic waft of honeydew and musk, you taste the corners of your mouth and come up with hints of duck a l’orange. you realise at once that you are not in your own apartment; you are not in your own bed. and then an...
Apr 15th
42 notes
2 tags
Apr 14th
38 notes
3 tags
Apr 12th
57 notes
1 tag
WatchWatch
the right reverend raynor it’s going down like this: a friend is getting married this june and asked me to officiate her ceremony. it turns out that i can become cyber-ordained and—presto loopholio—legally allowed to officiate weddings. so yesterday, i became a reverend of an online, religiously-impartial, deity-indiscriminate, church-styled corporation. finally! this is where you come...
Apr 11th
16 notes
3 tags
Apr 8th
45 notes
3 tags
Apr 8th
62 notes
2 tags
Apr 7th
51 notes
4 tags
Apr 6th
26 notes
5 tags
pronouncing sex words 101
you are on a first date with an attractive chinese literature doctoral candidate from an accredited university in cambridge. and you, being the tru-playa that you are, are doing everything right. your eyebrows have been waxed at the proper angles. you pop your pinky like the duchess of devonshire while sipping your vin blanc. you order duck a l’orange and not one of the more vulgar options...
Apr 5th
60 notes
2 tags
Apr 4th
23 notes
3 tags
Apr 4th
48 notes
1 tag
Apr 1st
15 notes