the chairman’s bowels have moved!

each time that i go to the gym, my personal trainer (non-abs) begs me to do some  freelance bodyguard work for some of his other a-list clients and i’m like, “look alexei, the only body that i am interested in guarding belongs to whitney houston and after that maybe, maybe rene russo. now hand me a ten kilo medicine ball, i’m about to get my bakhtin on.”

secretly, i had been flirting with the idea of freelance bodyguarding BUT THEN i came across this chairman mao anecdote:

For years, Mao Zedong preferred going into fields to defecate over using an indoor toilet, explaining that the toilet’s odor got in the way of his thinking. He viewed dung as a symbol of purity and peasant virtue, and branded those who didn’t want to handle it as intellectuals and parasites.

He frequently suffered constipation which made him irritable and affected his decisions. When a long bout of constipation ended for him, word would spread through the relieved government, “The chairman’s bowels have moved! He had a good shit!”  He routinely had his bodyguards pry feces from his anus with their fingers.

it’s a good thing that i keep refusing this freelance bodyguard work because i can only imagine how i would react if i were defending mao zedong from sniper fire and sluttish profligates and he turns to me and is like, “r-dawg, i’m a bit backed up downstairs, i need your famous hook finger and i need it now.”

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from the research guide to bodily fluids by paul spinrad (1994).