how to get in shape
people are always coming up to my booth at applebees wanting to know where i got my armani snow jogging shoes (armani, duh) and whether or not they can touch my muscles (not a chance!) and what some of my workout tips are (trade secret). usually, i just slip on my blublockers and pretend like i can’t see these people, but yesterday—because of extenuatin’ circumstances—i spilled the beans on one of my most guarded workout tips. for fairness then, here it is:
when you are on your treadmill reading voloshinov (or whatever russian formalist you typically read while running) mentally prepare yourself to run 3 miles. run for the FULL 3 MILES (no cheating). this next part is important: this whole time that you thought you were running three miles, you were really running π miles!!! this means that you aren’t done yet, you still need to run for ~.141592653589793 miles (which is like no big deal). if you follow this workout plan for the next week, you will have spent ~.991848575128551 milesworth of calories!!! who knew that there was such a correlation between irrational numbers and well-toned calves*?
this trick also works in the metric system.
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