terms of dismemberment

After this morning’s transparent attempt to rouse some interdenominational interest, I thought I should come clean. The truth is that, despite a selection of blades on my knife strip that Lizzie Borden would approve of, I’m totally squeamish about horror films, and I mainly use just two knives to cook with: a biggish one and a smaller one. The real reason I want to see a cutlery renaissance is because cutting tools come with linguistic accessories, and I want to be a flash git the next time I’m in charge of a brace of widgeons. I bet you thought that at Thanksgiving the token alpha male gets to “carve” the turkey. You did, didn’t you? Wrong. Below, an arsenal of verbs applicable to the presentation of delicacies furred, feathered and finned:  

Break the deer, rear the goose, lift the swan, sauce the capon, spoil the hen, frust the chicken, unbrace the mallard, unlace the coney, display the crane, disfigure the peacock, unjoynt the bittern, allay the pheasant, wing the partridge, mince the plover, thigh all manner of small birds.

Chine the salmon, string the lamprey, splat the pike, side the haddock, tusk the barbel, culpon the trout, fin the chivin, transon the eel, tranch the sturgeon, undertranch the porpus, tame the crab, barb that lobster.

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from: The Accomplisht Cook, or the Art & Mystery of Cookery by Robert May (1685)

a caveat from the legal eagle department: Ramona’s little sister (who really does get paid to be legal for eagles) has expressed concern that some readers of the ragbag may take this post as license to go out and snaffle some protected species for their next underground gourmet locavore potluck. It is not. Go to Save-A-Lot like everyone else, my friends.

the content and capital letters of this post have been brought to you by the ever plucky ramona ranchera.