the firebrand of the universe

the other day, a grubby street urchin called me father and i looked him up and down and was like, “you don’t have my menacing cheekbones and stag-like glutes. ‘tis certain i am no sire of yours, despite my aptitude for philandering.” and as i was sprinting away (in next season’s most fashionable sandalware), he called, “begging your pardon sir, ‘twas a religious title in reference to your new post as universal philosopher of absolute reality.”

now that i am an ordained member of a belief-less, church-styled corporation, people are giving me all kinds of nicknames. lately it has been rev which is short for reverend but also in reference to my ritualistic muscle flexing before running up a steep hill. My sandal-shiner calls me mahatma, this poxy chocolatier on newbury street calls me archbishop, and my neolithic lover, wertuff the pungent, calls me (quite correctly) your potency.

in celebration of nicknames of all sorts, i give you a few notable ones that start with the letter f.

• Le Fainéant: (French, “The Sluggard “). Louis V, King of France (966-87).
• The Fair Quakeress: Hannah Lightfoot, whom George III is said to have married when he was Prince of Wales (1759).
• The Farmer King: George III of England (1738-1820) on account of his simple appearance and manners. He is said to have actually derived profit from a farm near Windsor.
• The Father of Burlesque Poetry: Arnaud de Villeneuve, a distinguished French chemist, astrologer and theologian (1238-1314).
• The Firebrand of the Universe: Tamerlane, a Tartar conqueror (1333-1405). Also the Prince of Destruction.
• The Flour City: The city of Rochester, New York.
• The Flying Highwayman: William Harrow, a notorious highwayman, executed at Hertford, March 28, 1763. So called from his habit of leaping his horse over turnpikes when pursued.
• Foul-Weather Jack: Admiral John Byron, a British naval officer (1723-86), from his bad fortune at sea.
• The French Dickens: Alphonse Daudet, a French humorist and novelist (1840-97).
• Der Fürstenbund: (German, “The League of the German Princes”).

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source: a dictionary of names, nicknames, and surnames by edward latham (1904).