bookups

people is always accosting me at the mall (usually when i’m getting my hollister on) and axing me how i got my abz to be so 3d. “anyone can get length-width definition,” they intimate, but what exercise was i rockin’ to pop each sixth pack in the field of depth?

in situations like these, i usually pretend to receive an urgent phone call from the acting town fire chief (a passing acquaintance) and slip into a changing room to try on some pastel pocket t’s while my interrupters find someone else’s muscles to admire (as if).

but now, because i am so sick of people rubbing my abs unsolicitously like i’m some teenager who is pregnant with twin babies, i will reveal one of my trade secrets—bookups.

you start by crunching your shorty books (think: the old man and the sea and heart of darkness). you then work your way up to the lesser dickens and d.h. lawrence. most people tap out when they get to pynchon level or anything michener, but raynor ganan is not most people. i am proud to admit that i have been camera-phoned crunching the ten volume kathasaritsagara, an 11th century indian fairy tale that contains 20,000+ sanskrit verses.

so now you know my trade secret but there is one final thing that…hold on, i’m getting an urgent call from the acting town fire chief who is a personal friend. i need to take this…