on cortés and asskissery

this is how the idiot conquistador hernán cortés addressed his letters to king charles the fifth: 

Very High and Most Powerful Prince, Very Catholic and Invincible Emperor, King and Lord,

he concluded his letters like this:

Most Powerful Lord, Your Caesarian Majesty’s Very Humble Servant and Vassal who kisses the Royal Hands and Feet of Your Majesty

major barf-factory, right?

monopoly men

i was getting a bro-zilian wax yesterday in preparation for the big brazil v. chee-lay soccer match and reading through tudor-era royal charters when i came across a few interesting deets. apparently, the monarch had the power to grant legal monopolies to a group of her cronies. thus, queen elizabeth could—say—give bill gates an exclusive license for making operating systems or allow mark cuban to be the owner of every basketball team in the nba. here are a few of elizabeth’s buddies and the industry in which she granted them a monopoly:

• flask making · reynold hexton (15 year grant)
• transporting shreds of woolen cloth · symon farmer (21 year grant)
• anniseed importing ·  robert alexander (21 year grant)
• buying linen rags · john spilman
• selling felt hats · [name redacted]
• transporting ashes and old shoes · ede schets (7 year grant)
• licensing taverns · sir walter raleigh

i can only imagine my delight upon learning that the virgin queen had decided to give me exclusive rights to the transportation of ashes and old shoes!!!! think of all the glittering guineas that would soon be lining the ganan coffers! think of all the comely wenches that would sit on my lap in taverns despite all my small pox sores! think of how my status would elevate amongst my peer group. who is raynor ganan? raynor ganan is the baron of ashes and old shoes—an industry that will no doubt flourish well into the next millennium.

peculiar elizabethan stage directions

• enter hieronimo; he knocks up the curtain
• hell is discovered
• volpone peeps from behind a traverse
• eugenius discovered sitting loaded with many irons; a lampe burning by him; then enter clowne with a piece of browne bread and a garret root
• a couch discovered with the duke on it
• enter lopez at a table with jewels and money upon it, an egg roasting by a candle
• exit orestes dragging clytemnestra’s body
• enter gloucester and buckingham in rotten armour, marvelous ill-favoured
• haughty, centaur, mavis, mrs otter, epicene, trusty, having discovered part of the scene above
• enter giovanni and annabella lying on a bed
• nuns discovered singing
• dashing of brains heard within

and of course, the always-intriguing cue from the winter’s tale

• exit, pursued by a bear