peculiar elizabethan stage directions

• enter hieronimo; he knocks up the curtain
• hell is discovered
• volpone peeps from behind a traverse
• eugenius discovered sitting loaded with many irons; a lampe burning by him; then enter clowne with a piece of browne bread and a garret root
• a couch discovered with the duke on it
• enter lopez at a table with jewels and money upon it, an egg roasting by a candle
• exit orestes dragging clytemnestra’s body
• enter gloucester and buckingham in rotten armour, marvelous ill-favoured
• haughty, centaur, mavis, mrs otter, epicene, trusty, having discovered part of the scene above
• enter giovanni and annabella lying on a bed
• nuns discovered singing
• dashing of brains heard within

and of course, the always-intriguing cue from the winter’s tale

• exit, pursued by a bear

words (that i suspect are) wholly related

syllable & sillabub

Syllable comes from the greek syllambanein, meaning to gather together. Sillabubs are made by using booze to tighten milk into a set mass of smooth spoonable curds, but the OED claims the etymology of the name is unknown (although they feel perfectly competent to decree a preferred spelling). Frankly, what the eff? A sillabub should be the grammarian’s go-to allegory, the preferred demo m.o. for grabbing the attention of recalcitrant six year olds. In protest at this havering by the etymological referees, I shall now go and make a syllabubble with my spare bottle of champagne. What? Wanna prove me wrong? Have at it. I’ll send you my syllabubble recipe.

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the content and capital letters of this post have been brought to you by the ever plucky ramona ranchera.

the first sex scene in scottish literature

the following steamy scene was written by ragbag role model, thomas urquhart way back in sixteen fitty two. like all things urquhart, it combines latin and greek neologisms, absurd euphemisms, wildly elaborate sentences, obscure allusions, and circumlocutious syntax. it also happens to be decidedly unerotic.

Thus for a while their eloquence was mute, and all they spoke was but with the eye and hand, yet so persuasively, by vertue of the intermutual unlimitedness of their visotactil sensation, that each part and portion of the persons of either was obvious to the sight and touch of the persons of both; the visuriency of either, by ushering the tacturiency of both, made the attrectation of both consequent to the inspection of either. Here it was that passion was active, and action passive, they both being overcome by other, and each the conquerour. To speak of her hirquitalliency at the elevation of the pole of his microcosme, or of his luxuriousness to erect a gnomon on her horizontal dyal, will perhaps be held by some to be expressions full of obscoeness, and offensive to the purity of chaste ears; yet seeing she was to be his wife, and that she could not be such without consummation of marriage, which signifieth the same thing in effect, it may be thought, as definitiones logicae verificantur in rebus, if the exerced act be lawful, that the diction which suppones it, can be of no greater transgression, unless you would call it a solaecisme, or that vice in grammar which imports the copulating of the masculine with the feminine gender.

if you had trouble getting turned on by this, much less understanding it, join the crowd—it was as hard to follow way back in sixteen fitty two as it is today. fortunately, i have found an online translation for you.

do you know what mark twain was doing in the summer of 1876?

answer 1: he was researching material for what would later become the prince and the pauper. TRUE.

answer 2: he was writing his great, great-american-novel the adventures of huckleberry finn. ALSO TRUE.

answer 3: he was penning bawdy elizabethan fanfiction that included the characters: queen elizabeth, william shakespeare, ben johnson, walter raleigh, and—my main squeeze—françois rabelais. MEGA TRUE!!!

1601 is its title. twain considered it so risque that it took him 26 years to finally acknowledge that he wrote it. said twain, “if there is a decent word findable in it, it’s because i overlooked it.” you can get it for free here.

Then fell they to talk about ye manners and customs of many peoples, and Master Shaxpur spake of ye boke of ye sieur Michael de Montaine, wherein was mention of ye custom of widows of Perigord to wear uppon ye headdress, in sign of widowhood, a jewel in ye similitude of a man’s member wilted and limber, whereat ye queene did laugh and say widows in England doe wear prickes too, but betwixt the thighs, and not wilted neither, till coition hath done that office for them. Master Shaxpur did likewise observe how yt ye sieur de Montaine hath also spoken of a certain emperor of such mighty prowess that he did take ten maidenheddes in ye compass of a single night, ye while his empress did entertain two and twenty lusty knights between her sheetes, yet was not satisfied; whereat ye merrie Countess Granby saith a ram is yet ye emperor’s superior, sith he wil tup above a hundred yewes ‘twixt sun and sun; and after, if he can have none more to shag, will masturbate until he hath enrich’d whole acres with his seed.

Then spake ye damned windmill, Sr Walter, of a people in ye uttermost parts of America, yt capulate not until they be five and thirty yeres of age, ye women being eight and twenty, and do it then but once in seven yeres.

the blasphemous comma

in several editions of early king james bibles, luke 23:32 reads:

“And there were also two other malefactors [crucified with Jesus].”

A comma was accidentally omitted. it should have read “And there were also two other, malefactors [crucified with Jesus].”

this has come to be known as the blasphemous comma.

additional amusing bible errata can be found by pounding hard on this link.

the international committee on sexological nomenclature

yesterday, i relayed a scintillating tidbit to you about how i became a hapless voyeur of some freaky-deeky raccoon sex. because of this i got several emails (brimming with the most puerile and base puns that one could imagine). but then i received this treasure (the capital letters are not mine):

Dear Raynor,

[blah blah blah]… as you are a self-proclaimed authority on animals, nomenclature, and sex, I was wondering if you could tell me if there are separate terms for the male and female sex acts (ie. the name for what the male does to the female and the name for what the female does to the male).

From,
[Anonymous Pervert #3]

to which i shall publicly reply:

dear anonymous pervert #3 (as well as numbers 1 and 2),

there’s actually much debate about this but a johns hopkins doctor has proposed the terms quim and swive. he writes:

In neither the standard English vocabulary of literature and science, nor the vernacular vocabulary of uncensored speech, are there terms by which to distinguish what the woman does to the man, in the procreative act, from what the man does to the woman. Terminologically, each is obliged to do the same thing to the other, whether it be poetically making love, politely copulating, metaphorically balling or screwing, colloquially fucking, or evasively getting some. None of this terminology is, however, truly androgynous. It all carries, in some degree, the implication that the male is the active partner who does something to the inactive, receptive female. He takes, and she gives—or at least passively acquiesces.

In the terminology of the barnyard and animal breeding, the same implication of the male as the active agent also applies. Terminologically, the bull services the cow, not the other way around. A detailed inventory of animal mating behavior, however, reveals a high degree of reciprocity. Thus, whereas the male mounts the female, it is equally true that she crouches or lordoses and presents to the male. In many species, moreover, it is the female that invites the male.

Quim’s …usage as a vernacular term for the female pudenda can be traced from the 17th to the 20th century, where it has survived in vernacular verse and humor. In its standard usage as a verb, it would mean, as here proposed, to take the penis into the vagina and perform grasping, sliding, and rotating movements on it of varying rhythm, speed and intensity. As a noun, a quim would be the name of the aforesaid practice.

Swive, meaning to copulate with a woman… was in standard English usage as far back as the 14th century. By the early 17th century, its status had changed to that of a vulgarism. Since the early 19th century, it has survived as a literary archaism, in some dialects, and occasionally in vernacular verse and humor. In its standard usage as a verb it would mean, as here proposed, to put the penis into the vagina and perform sliding movements of varying depth, direction, rhythm, speed, and intensity.

the author notes that these terms are not official and should be ” endorsed by an international committee on sexological nomenclature.” should such a preposterous committee actually exist, consider this my nomination to it.

from: the journal of sex research vol. 18, No. 2 (1982).

sapless like a withered flower

wiener problems are embarrassing to write about but usually make for a very entertaining read. such is the case with john wilmot’s “the imperfect enjoyment” which tackles the heavy-hitting subject of premature ejaculation (or for discretion when talking about it with your doctor: pee period ee period).

proceed with caution: the following excerpt is enn-ess-eff-double-you in the way that only bawdy restoration poetry can be (it contains a very vulgar word that rhymes with cunt):

But I, the most forlorn, lost man alive,
To show my wished obedience vainly strive:
I sigh, alas! and kiss, but cannot swive.
Eager desires confound my first intent,
Succeeding shame does more success prevent,
And rage at last confirms me impotent.
Ev’n her fair hand, which might bid heat return
To frozen age, and make cold hermits burn,
Applied to my dead cinder, warms no more
Than fire to ashes could past flames restore.
Trembling, confused, despairing, limber, dry,
A wishing, weak, unmoving lump I lie.
This dart of love, whose piercing point, oft tried,
With virgin blood ten thousand maids have dyed;
Which nature still directed with such art
That it through every cunt reached every heart —
Stiffly resolved, ‘twould carelessly invade
Woman or man, nor aught its fury stayed:
Where’er it pierced, a cunt it found or made —
Now languid lies in this unhappy hour,
Shrunk up and sapless like a withered flower.