for bestiary: tsukumogami, a japanese spirit that starts out as an inanimate object. once it reaches its 100th birthday, it becomes self-aware.

wikipedia gives the following sub-types of tsukumogami »

• Abumi-guchi: stirrup spirit
• Chōchinobake: lantern spirit
• Ittan-momen: roll of cotton spirit
• Kasa-obake: umbrella spirit
• Kosode-no-te: kimono spirit
• Kyōrinrin: scrolls spirit
• Morinji-no-okama: tea kettle spirit
• Shirōneri: dust cloth spirit
• Ungaikyo: mirror spirit
• Zorigami: clock spirit
• Yama-oroshi: radish-grater spirit

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picture source: freaks, mutants, and monsters

for bestiary: a dingorilla

apart from a 1938 advertisement for shell gasoline, i can’t find any references to this marvelous hybrid animal. but just because some madison avenue ad guy dreamt up the dingorilla doesn’t mean that you and i can’t try to make one for ourselves in my subterranean insemination facilities à la that movie with val kilmer and marlon wayans.

for both wunderkammer & bestiary: a khao manee, a rare breed of cat from thailand noted for its 700-year royal pedigree and pure white fur. also, due to a freaky genetic defect, they have different coloured eyes. it is whispered that if one of these rare cats meets your gaze, you will temporarily understand all things.

for bestiary: an isitshakamana, an ugly fish that once you see it, you can never unsee it. also, it knows who all of your ancestors were and will haunt you with this information.

here is an ancient zulu tale about the isitshakamana which my zulu governess read to me every night before bed:

It happened that a man took a worm, and went to catch fish in the Tukela ; he caught an animal, the Isitshakamana ; it spoke, saying “Child of So-and-so, of So-and-so, of So-and-so.” It went on thus repeating the names of his grandfathers, until it had mentioned names up to ten names which he did not himself know. It said, “Why have you treated me so unmercifully as to take me out of the pool? I am afraid of the sun.” His eyes met the eyes of the beast; and he fled and ran home.

He said, “Put a pot on my head ; hide me; I have seen a great thing; I have seen a beast, when I went to catch fish ; its eyes are still staring at me. It is destroying me as though it was here with me.” He said, ” Take the pot off my head ; even now it is still looking at me.” They took off the pot. He said, ” Cover me with all the blankets which are in the village.” He said, ” Take them off from me ; it is still looking at me. Carry me to a corn-hole.” They put him in a little while. He said, ” Take me out; the beast is still looking at me even here ; and besides the heat is killing me.” They took him out. 

He came into the house. So he died on that account, because he saw the Isitshakamana. He said, ” I am torn to pieces by fear, when the beast calls me by the name of my father, and of my grandfather and my grandfather’s father; mentioning all people without exception and generations which were unknown both to my father and grandfather. I die on that account.” So he died.

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source: a 19th century zulu nursery tale edited by henry callaway

for bestiary: a squonk

for the first time in my young life, i DID NOT spend my new year’s eve blasting power ballads from my fender stratocaster on the stone head of the sphinx. eschewing tradition, i instead decided that on 12:59:59 i would try parachute bungee jumping, a new extreme sport that i am pioneering whereupon i jump out of my gulfstream 250 executive jet, yank my parachute cord in a haho manner and just when the chute deploys, i bungee off of it, yo-yo-ing to the earth at terminal velocity while listening to primus on my microsoft zune.

anyway parachute bungee jumping was ok, but—in typical the-grass-is-always-greener mindset—i longed for my stratocaster and the legendary sphinx. and by way of powerful segue: do you know another legendary creature whose name starts with an ess, has 1 syllable and is useful for scrabble battles? the answer is the squonk—a pennsylvanian forest creature so ugly that it spends most of its time weeping and can evade capture by dissolving entirely into a puddle of its own tears » 

The legend holds that the creature’s skin is ill-fitting, and covered with warts and other blemishes, and so it hides from plain sight and spends much of its time weeping. Hunters who have attempted to catch squonks have found that the creature is capable of evading capture by dissolving completely into a pool of tears and bubbles when cornered.

i pledge to ring in 2012 while standing on the head of one of these crybabies, maybe at terminal velocity or maybe—and this is a big maybe—while standing in an inflatable hamster ball 30,000 leagues down, at the bottom of the mariana trench.

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art credit: richard svensson

for bestiary: the worm of lagarfljót

hugleikur dagsson is a talented illustrator who has a cult following in his native iceland and is responsible for one of the most demented collection of comics that i have read at the gym. he also works with the reykjavík grapevine drawing up creepy crawly beasts from icelandic folklore. here, we get to see the origin and nature of the lagarfljótsormurinn—the loch ness monster of lagarfljót.

the story goes that a young girl from the Lagarfljót area received from her mother a fine golden ring. When asked how to best keep it, the mother responded that she should place the ring in a chest underneath a worm, something which would cause the gold to grow as the worm did. When checking on her stash shortly after, the girl saw that the worm had grown to such a gargantuan size that the chest could barely fit it. Growing frightened, she tossed the chest, gold and all, into Lagarfljót.

The worm apparently took a liking to the cold, cold lake, stayed there and kept on growing. After a while, it started making a name for itself, wreaking havoc on the entire region, spewing poisonous bile on passers-by, killing men and sheep that ventured close to the lake and generally being a big nuisance. The local farmers wouldn’t have it, so they summoned the help of two Finnish Saami shamans …to kill the beast and retrieve the gold. They fought the thing for a long time, but ultimately failed in their quest. However, they did manage to neutralize the risk it posed by tying the worm’s head and tail to the bottom where it would remain harmless for the rest of eternity. Its midsection was still free to flex and roam and bulge above the surface from time to time, and that’s apparently what people have been seeing every now and then since 1345. 

here are more of dagsson’s beasts. other favourites are grýla (a she-troll with goat hooves for feet who dines on naughty neighbourhood kids who act up) and the huldufólk (hidden people that watch you as you are bandying about in sexual union).

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source: this

for bestiary: curupi, a guaraní fertility spirit with a penis so enormous that he wears it as a belt.

says wikipædia »

Kurupi is often blamed for unexpected or unwanted pregnancies. His penis is said to be prehensile, and owing to its length he is supposed to be able to extend it through doors, windows, or other openings in a home and impregnate a sleeping woman without even having to enter the house.

what a party trick! i’m going to have to learn this one.

a more modern take on what curupi would look like as a super villain (or super hero depending on your view on enormous prehensile penises.) from here.

for bestiary: a wulver, a mellow werewolf

the wulver is a kind of werewolf native to the shetland islands in scotland. he is not aggressive and won’t get up up in your business unless provoked. he keeps to himself, spending much of his day fishing from his favourite rock. from time to time he leaves fish on the window sills of poor families. he is the keanu reeves of werewolves.

for bestiary: a fatu-livu (or gillygaloo), a mythical bird that lays square eggs. early twentieth century humorist george shepard chappell claimed that the eggs themselves resembled dice and could be employed in that capacity in a pinch.

luckily for you and i, learning how to lay square eggs is not the only method of producing them—we can always use this intriguing contraption. 

for bestiary: a globster, an unrecognisable mass of bones, tentacles, flippers, eyes or muscle that washes ashore. a globster isn’t a legendary creature so much as the hint of one. because they lack identifying features, their appearance oftentimes would give rise to myths of sea monsters and other mighty ocean beasts that liam neeson threatens to release. here are some famous globstsers. i have no recipes for cooking them »

• St. Augustine Monster (1896)
• Dunk Island Carcass (1948)
• Tasmanian Globster (1960)
• Mann Hill Beach Globster (1970)
• Godthaab Globster (1989)
• Bermuda Blob 3 (1997)
• Four Mile Globster (1997)

for bestiary: ashinagatenaga, a pair of imps from japanese folklore. ashinaga-jin is from the “long-legged country,” while his buddy tenaga-jin is from the “long-armed country.”

your theoretical question of the day: if you had to choose, would you rather be long-legged or long-armed? as for me, my legs are so lenghty and tapered (and exquisitely chiseled) that i would be hard pressed to give them up. i would therefore keep my sylphlike legs even if it meant wimpy t-rex arms.

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this hyper rad illustration is by greg kletsel.

for bestiary: the mula sem cabeça, a fire-spewing headless mule from brazil

my fellow brazilians, i love everything about you down to your itty bitty bikinis AND there is no doubt that your headless mule is super freaky, BUT if it can be fought off with a riding crop and a fire extinguisher, it really shouldn’t belong to the same pantheon of villainous beasts as dragons and draculas. just sayin’.

for bestiary: a myrmecoleon

the myrmecoleon is the result of mating between a lion and an ant. i have envisioned many a sex act in my day but i just can’t wrap my mind around the mechanics of this one.

trippy art by pollux

for bestiary: a caladrius (a bird that can predict if a sick person is about to die)

according to legend, if the caladrius looks into the face of a sick man, he will make a full recovery. if the caladrius looks away, he will die soon thereafter (the caladrius is like punxsutawney phil in this regard but with higher stakes).

the caladrius also possesses the ability to absorb the sickness and cast it into the sun (using the same technique that superman does with nuclear warheads in superman iv: the quest for peace).

for bestiary: the surinam toad, an ugly frog that lays its eggs inside of itself

if you dare click play, eat some saltines® and get a bucket ready because watching the surinam toad give birth to toadlings will most likely cause uncontrollable retching. grosser still is how the eggs form like festering pimples on the lady-toad’s back. ahh… the miracle of life!