today’s word of the day is TORCHECUL
it is an archaic word for an object used to wipe one’s backside after defecation. notice that i did not say that it is an archaic word for toilet paper because, as we are about to find out, there are many inventive torcheculs in addition to paper.
in the first book of gargantua and pantagruel (a 16th century book by françois rabelais which i have yet to write about), gargantua relates to his father the many different torcheculs that he has used and which among them he considers to be the ultimate. i present the list to you in an abridged, listicle, blog-friendly format:
things with which gargantua wipes his ass
- a gentle-woman’s velvet mask (the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament)
- a lady’s neckerchief
- some ear-pieces made of crimson satin, but there was such a number of golden spangles in them that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance
- a page’s cap, garnished with a feather after the Switzers’ fashion
- a March-cat, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my perinee
- my mother’s gloves, of a most excellent perfume and scent of the Arabian Benin
- sage, fennel, marjoram, roses, gourd-leaves, beets, lettuce, spinach leaves, parsley, nettles
- comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy
- the sheets, the coverlet, the curtains
- with a cushion, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a handkerchief
- hay, straw, flax, wool
- a hat. Note that some are shorn, and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffeties, and others with satin. The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter.
- a hen, a cock, a calf’s skin, a hare, a pigeon
- an attorney’s bag, a falconer’s lure
But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. You will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose.
![the end of an era (the 1300’s)
friends, i knew this day would eventually come and though i have been preparing for it mentally these last 5 weeks, nothing could brace me for the anguish i felt upon awakening this morning knowing that the archaic and provincial f-words series would soon meet its bitter end. i briefly considered word-blogging archaic e-words, but that seemed kinda arbitrary (plus: words that begin with e are lame).
[part the final: FOX-IN-THE-HOLE to FYLLOK]
FOX-IN-THE-HOLE. A type of game where boys hopped on one leg and beat one another with or pieces of leather tied at the end of strings
FOXY. Said of beer which has not fermented properly
FRAME-PERSON. A visitor whom it is thought requisite to receive ceremoniously
FRAM-WARD. In an opposite direction
FRANCH. To scrunch with the teeth
FRAZE. Half a quarter of a sheet of paper
FREAMING. Said of the noise a boar makes in rutting time
FREE-MARTIN. If a cow has twin calves of different sexes, the female is termed a free martin, and is said never to breed
FRENCHMAN. Any man of any country that cannot speak English
FRESCADES. Cool refreshments
FRIMICATE. To affect delicacy; to give one’s self airs about trifles
FRIPPERY. An old clothes shop
FRODMORTELL. A free pardon for murder or manslaughter
FROSLING. Any thing as a plant or animal nipped or injured by frost
FRUITESTERE. A female seller of fruit
FUCKWIND. A species of hawk
FUDDLE. To intoxicate fish
FUDGEL. An awkward child
FUGLEMAN. A person who directs the cheering of a crowd or mob
FULLAMS. False dice. There are high fullams and low fullams to denote loaded on the high or low number
FULLOCK. To jerk the hand unlawfully
FURCHURE. The place where the thighs part
FYLLOK. A wanton girl
now, if you will allow me a moment to vent my despair, i will excuse myself to a public place and fullock like a chronic masturbator on a benzedrine bender.](http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ktd6qczAhE1qzrip0o1_500.png)
![demanding satisfaction
if you live your life according to the code duello the way that i do, you will know that in duels, the challenged party has the right to choose the dueling weapons. these could be anything from knives to ninja stars to (apocryphally) tainted sausages.
of course there has never been a dual more preposterous or unusual than the one that took place between french hot air balloonists armed with blunderbusses (a type of proto-shotgun) over the city of paris in 1808:
…Early in the nineteenth century, a Monsieur de Grandpé and a Monsieur de Pique…had quarreled over Mademoiselle Tirevit, a famous dancer who was the mistress of the former but had been discovered in compromising circumstances with the latter. They decided to fight it out in balloons and on May 3, 1808.
Watched by a huge crowd which had been drawn by the sight of the balloons but little imagined the purpose they were meant to serve, each combatant climbed into his car, armed with a blunderbuss, since pistols would obviously have been ineffective in the circumstances. At nine o’clock the cords were cut and the balloons rose majestically into the air keeping within about eighty yards of each other. When they had risen some 2,000 feet, Monsieur de Pique fired his blunderbuss without result. His fire was returned almost immediately by Monsieur de Grandpré, whose shot punctured his adversary’s balloon, so that it hurtled to the ground dashing Monsieur de Pique and his second [a trusted representative] to pieces on a rooftop. The triumphant Grandpré then drifted happily away from the scene of his victory to land safely at a distance of seventeen miles from Paris.
from robert baldick’s the duel (1965).](http://29.media.tumblr.com/3FZnoU8PUqjmf5heJSD1FGk2o1_500.jpg)
