oh fwank, you so kwazy.

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source: nypl (1853)

gratuitous picture of my grandfather being a bad-ass

it has happened again: my grandfather has turned another year older and in commemoration, i have decided to post another gratuitous picture of him being a stone cold matinee idol. to aid him in staring deep into your soul, he has enlisted the help of an adorable moppet (my moms) and a (presumably) magical pipe. happy 97th grandpops!

the hot new parasol styles of high society

we’ve seen what the senators are wearing during the heatwave, but let’s discuss what we all really want to know: what kind of parasols are hot right now in high society? (a sampling)

• mrs. orson d. munn likes the tiny ones that circus bears use
• dorothy kavanaugh likes to rest her umbrella on her shoulder like a hobo
• mrs. yoakum fosdick prefers the 40-ribbed (for her pleasure) japanese variety
• mrs. r. i. patterson and mrs. albert jaeckel opt instead to share a giant doily
• mrs. herbert weston travels by her umbrella (à la mrs. featherbottom)
• mrs. julien chaqueneau likes her parasol with a side of spanx

see also: how to pose with an umbrella

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source: life magazine (july 1939)

senatorial summer styles

if you are like me, then you are continually leafing through all the latest fashion magazines to see what the hot new summer styles are going to be in the u.s. senate.

• senator vandenberg (r-mi) in dressy flannels and a barbershop quartet hat
• senator byrd (d-va) in a double-breasted white linen pharmacist’s jacket 
• future president harry truman (d-mi) in snappy tropical worsted and hepcat lapels
• senator bankhead (d-al) in seersucker and posing hard
• senator neely (d-wv) wearing a palm beach suit and brand new bowling shoes

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source: life magazine june 1938

for wunderkammer: a victorian moustache guard.

what you need to understand about the differences between the victorian moustache and the ironic ones that you see hanging around park slope these days is that the victorians were deadly serious about their moutaches, oftentimes going to great pains to dye them just right, wax them perfectly, and curl them precisely. when a hairy dandy supped from his teacup, he was putting his exquisitely quaffed lip hair in peril. the hot tea could melt the wax, wilt the ‘stache, and send streaks of toxic hair dye into his favourite earl grey.

the solution was found in the moustache cup which had a special built-in guard. eventually, this guard was made portable so that if you were invited to tea at the estate of those not fortunate enough to own moustache prophylactic drinkware, you could plunk in your own and save the day.

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the book, mustache cups: timeless victorian treasures, is a great resource for collecting and is apparently the best guide since dorothy’s hammond’s 1972 book on the same subject.

also: you can instapaper this moustache cup essay for later perusal.

the playpron

• “you’ll wear it to the front door without apology”
• “made of that amazing material, satiny liquid latex”
• “sky blue, tulip red, daffodil yellow, shell pink, and gardenia white”
• “splash-proof…and so gay!”

apparently, the playpron was the snuggie of the 1930s.

handlebar moustaches

notice: they are wearing beSPOKE suits as well. 

dem hats

everyone is always asking me, “gee, raynor: where do you always find dem period hats?” while this swedish cartoon from 1904 isn’t my answer, it is an answer.

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more from oskar anderson’s mannen som gör vad som faller honom in (including this rainy day classic) can be found here.

the wig thief

check it: you are lusting after a designer periwig from this season’s hot new lineup of outlandish hairpieces but your daddy’s not about to drop £20 on “another frivolous head merkin” and your current wig is soooo last year (plus it still reeks of pickle brine from the time that you and phillip played “hide the sauerbraten” instead of attending your younger cousin’s harpsichord concert). WHAT DO YOU DO, HOTSHOT?

what you do is get your gang back together and run one of the oldest wig scams in the book, the boy on a butcher’s tray wig scam. here’s the play × play.

A boy was carried covered over in a butcher’s tray by a tall man, and the wig was twisted off in a moment by the boy. The bewildered owner looked all round for it, when an accomplice impeded his progress under the pretence of assisting him while the tray-bearer made off.

there is even a poem about this scam. from trivia:

Nor is the flaxen wig with safety worn
High on the shoulders in a basket borne
Lurks the sly boy, whose hand, to rapine bred,
Plucks off the curling honours of thy head.

if you need me, i will be in harvard square looking for an agile young accomplice that i can conceal under a blanket on a platter of meat.

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source: at the sign of the barber’s pole, by william andrews (1904).

more period scams you and your gang can run:

•the mouldingborde gambit (if you are patient, you can turn a little dough into a lot of “dough”)
•the panel game (you will need access to a prostitute)

beetlemania

you see this little idiot? he mends your stockings for you. according to the accompanying captions from the photostory, you can compensate him in brown sugar and lodge him in your compact case. 

do you know how many stockings that i paid my neighbour beaucoup bucks to repair for me because stockings are really expensive and what else am i supposed to wear to the many luncheons in which i am [the guest of] the guest of honour? answer: at least 1 pair. peta be damned! this is the business opportunity that i have been waiting for.

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source: life magazine (1937)

the fine print: it would be delinquent of me not to mention that the topic of the broader article regarded german newspaper april fools gags. the other ones: a ten-stack oceanliner, a lake which changes your gender in its reflection of you, and a headless dog are also worthy of your brief attention span.

macgyvering your monocle

me and my monocle go everywhere together (even u.s. government monocle-restricted zones) but it wasn’t until i read “useful adaptations of the monocle” from a 1921 issue of illustrated world magazine that i realised how useful a monocle could be in a pinch. consider some other potential uses:

• as lens for your voigtländer daguerreotype camera
• as a spark gap tester for your rickenbacker vertical eight super fine automobile
• as a slide for examining your blood and other humours

face merkins

everywhere i go, people are always telling me about their trendy new merkins, but nobody is paying much attention to the pubic wig’s northern cousin—the chin wig. yet, the fake beard is almost as old as beards themselves (with a history just as lush).

egyptian pharaohs (and even she-pharaohs) donned gold plated chin wigs (called atefs) despite the cultural penchant for hairlessness. the charming specimen above was recovered from the 4th century b.c. frozen grave of a central asian chieftain by indiana jones.

and then medieval europe caught onto the chin wig craze:

False beards crop up again in medieval Spain. By the mid-fourteenth century they were so much in fashion that a wealthy gentleman might have possessed a whole range of them in various colors, shapes and sizes to suit different moods and occasions. In fact the abuse became so widespread that the king of Aragon banned them. At Rouen, in France, false beards were made illegal in 1508, but the edict had to be repeated in 1513. The fact that there were two official efforts to ban them in such a short space of time suggests that they were immensely popular.

our 16th century rallying cry: they may take our lives, indeed they may even take our beards, but they will never take our face merkins.

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source: ancient inventions (1994) by james & thorpe
an additional account of anti-facial hair legislation can be found here.