them: the party tonight is going to be so epic.
them: the way he slipped in the grass was an epic fail.
them: i just got an epic text.
them: this milkshake is epic.
me: the nibelungenlied and orlando furioso are so epic, amirite? and the shāhnāmeh, that’s about as epic as it gets. ha ha ha, i’m such a kidder.
them: who invited this guy?
“…a nose hair embedded in snot like acanthoscelides obtectus entombed in paleozoic amber…”
“here satan letteth a fart”
found in english morality plays of the 16th century. (source)
“An article… Saturday incorrectly stated the number of positions possible for the Rubik’s Cube. It is 43,252,003,274,489,856,000.”
the new york times
november 2, 1982
“…i’d rather have sex with a whac-a-mole machine.”
is this a nascent genre?
bonus: though a fellah said it, the phrase could work just as well for the dames.
orson’s girlfriend: how do i look?
my friend orson: super sexy.
og: but i’m going on an interview.
mfo: i mean, you look super professional.
og: well which is it?
mfo: uh, what i mean is…you look like a professional sexworker.
“…he’s so rich, he doesn’t even buy underwear—he just wears his slacks once or twice and then tosses ‘em.”
i knew that i wanted to be a rich bastard for a reason.
my next door neighbor refers to the usb port on his laptop as his laptop’s cornhole.
He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
sorry lance armstrong and tom green, no matter how many tours de france that you won or freddy got fingered movies that you starred in, moses sez “no heaven for you!”
other (more graphic/less poetic) translations here.
i brought a few friends along to my 95 year-old grandfather’s 95th birthday party. this is a more or less accurate transcription of their introduction:
raynor: grandpa, i’d like you to meet my friends, doug, orson, and peter.
doug, orson, and peter: nice to meet you, sir.
my 95 year-old grandfather: do you fellahs ever take showers together?
doug, orson, and peter (looking at me nervously): no, sir.
my 95 year-old grandfather: then how do you know which one of you gets to be nicknamed the hammer?
and that is how doug got his nickname.
“…i’m not familiar with that argument, i’m gonna have to google scholar that.”
the verbification of google scholar has begun!
from an email that i just received (achtung: the word vagina is used):
But overall, life is great. I’m on my OB/Gyn rotation right now. [My girlfriend] and I are actually on the rotation together, which is quite comical at times. For our first time together in the operating room, we had to shave a woman’s vagina in preparation for surgery. Let me tell you - that was the worst date we have ever been on. Some couples do dinner and a movie - we shave vaginas. On the bright side however, we did a pretty darn good job.
if you ever have the misfortune of inhabiting a confined space with me for any length of time (be it an elevator, a car ride, a sporting event, etc.) you will notice that i have a præternatural ability of carrying on a dialogue entirely in questions. if all goes according to plan, the end result of my salvo of queries is *hopefully* a rare bit of information that small talk between strangers would never normally have elicited.
this was the case with a mustachioed indian man named sachiv who was on my return flight. a summary of our conversation:
raynor: are you visiting boston on business or pleasure?
sachiv: both. i am seeing my girlfriend but am also on business.
r: what do you do?
s: i’m an investment banker.
r: and do you want to be an investment banker for the rest of your life?
s: actually, my father and i have started a company.
r: an investment banking company?
s: no, a production company. we are making a bollywood movie.
r: what is the movie about?
s: it is about a father and his son.
r: what is the plot?
s: (with obvious hesitation) it is about how the father schemes to kill his son so he can marry his son’s girlfriend.
r: who wrote the script?
s: my father.
at the pearl s. buck estate today, a father yells to his young daughter (in regard to the peafowl that she is trying to pet): “darling don’t get too close to that peacock, it may try to ravish you.”
now that would be a sight to behold.
“look,” he said pointing to two calves, “those veals look very sleepy.”
