the htoed

4 hours ago, i came across this boner-poppin’ synonymicon: the historical thesaurus of the oxford english dictionary. consider:

• 40 years in the making
• the very first historical thesaurus to be compiled for any of the world’s languages
• the largest thesaurus resource in the world
• a comprehensive sense inventory of old english

so here’s the problem: i have now had a certifiable boner for the last 4 hours and i guess that it’s time to call my primary care physician to inform him about it BUT all he’s going to do is tell me to stop lurking in the bookstore reference section after chuggalugging gin-and-tonics and swallowing viagra pills like tic tacs. but c’mon doc, I WILL NEVER STOP IT, so you better think of some other way to fix my screaming purple priapism.

for wunderkammer: a koteka (a decorative penis sheath made from a gourd) because if there’s one thing that the wunderkammer needs more of, it’s ornaments for one to decorate one’s penis with.

bonus koteka nugget from wikipædia »

In 1971-1972 the government of New Guinea launched “Operasi Koteka” (“Operation Penis Gourd”) which consisted primarily of trying to encourage the people to wear shorts and shirts because such clothes were considered more “modern.” But the people did not have changes of clothing, did not have soap, and were unfamiliar with the care of such clothes so the unwashed clothing caused skin diseases. There were also reports of men wearing the shorts as hats and the women using the dresses as carrying bags.

effyu operation penis gourd—stop trying to tell my friends what they can and can’t wear on their penises.

stand with me, my brothers, in solidgoldarity

while i am on the subject of academic æsthetical honours… it just so happens that yesterday, the aglets on my armani snow-jogging shoes blew out and i went to the internet in search of replacements. one click led to another and i wound up at goldenlaces.com (like goldenpalace.com, but without a p and a, and with an extra s). it seems that the alchemists at this site learned how to aurify laces—much to my glee. pictured above are the sweet summa cum laude gold laces that are currently ups-ing their way to my handsomely pedicured hoofs.

BUT WAIT: it has just occurred to me that this retailer is engaging in a nasty price fixing scheme. notice that: 100% of the jock-related laces are priced at $4.50 and all but one of the scholar-related laces (spelling bee champion, honor roll, etc.) are priced at $7.50. this is just another example in a long (shoe)string of academic biases that i have been combating throughout my life. as much as i am eager to golden lace my alligatorskin armanis, i think i must, on principle, return my new 24 carat strings to sender until such time as academics are afforded the same low low cost of golden novelty shoelaces as their meatheaded colleagues.

the shaw phonetic alphabet

in his will, george bernard shaw instructed his executors to offer a reward of £500 for a totally new set of characters, not based on any previous alphabets, to represent all the sounds in the english language. some thought this to be shaw’s last sarcastic joke, and indeed this aspect of his will was contested. however, in 1958 a committee selected a submission. In 1962 penguin books published an edition of shaw’s androcles and the lion with english text in roman letters and the shaw phonetic alphabet on the facing pages. this was the only book ever printed in this type.

from the aiga journal of graphic design 15, no. 2.

typography, portraiture, and literary rock stars collide in roberto de vicq de cumptich’s book, men of letters. among others, he makes a baskerville james joyce, a clarendon arthur miller, and an ironwood edgar allan poe, all out of letters in their own names. supremely neat.

root beer follow up

the one root beer that i wanted to have at my root beer party, but couldn’t find ANYWHERE was hires (the world’s oldest root beer, and a pivotal beverage of my childhood). according to the internet (a very reliable source) it was bought by the dr. pepper people. i can’t find any distribution maps but i can tell you, it is NOT distributed in my tri-state area, and trust me, i looked everywhere.

anyone know where to gets?

update

from notentirely

dear ragbag,

things do not look good for our hero. try the link below for Galco’s here in SoCal. they’re the soda specialty store locally that pretty much carries everything one could want. unfortunately, a seach on their site showed Hires as being listed, but ‘unavailable’. perhaps you could write them and ask.

http://www.sodapopstop.com/products/search/search.cfm

best, notentirely

ug! i knew that it was bad, but not this bad. i figured that some lucky chumps that don’t live in the northeastern u.s. were shotgunning hires 24/7. i guess it ain’t so. if anyone wants to start a private equity fund with me and buy the hires brand from the clutches of dr. pepper, just say the word (the word is doctor-pepper-tastes-nasty).

for wunderkammer: hot wheels rear loading 1969 volkswagen beach bomb ($72,000)

for wunderkammer: a pirolette of my profile (note: this IS NOT a pictrue of me)

naughty medieval jewelry

back in the day (the middle ages) people did not have access to the hot dirty smut on the internet that we are so fortunate to have today. in order to keep things randy they resorted to wearing highly graphic jewelry. i just came across this site which sells reproductions of this jewelery and it is HILARIOUS. worth a look are PUSSY GOES A’HUNTING, pussy royale, and the always-entertaining CHICKEN LOVE.

in ancient greece

Independent prostitutes had sandals with marked soles…which left an imprint that stated ΑΚΟΛΟΥΘΙ / AKOLOUTHI (“Follow me”) on the ground.