what’s in a name

“things” are getting pretty wild in my lighthouse pretty fast. the other day i flew a kite (that i made from a soiled dish towel) and just this morning i won two straight games of solitaire (without much cheating). because of my solitude, an army friend promised to send me some playboy pin-up posters to keep me company. the rascal failed to mention that the posters would be these, jason salavon’s graphical averages of playmates by decade. without the satisfaction i was looking for, i decided to create my own and thought it might be a larf to average other playmate statistics.

i came up with the above name chart though my methodology was sketchy. i determined through “algorithms” that both the playmates’ first and last names had an average of six letters. i then pieced together the most common first two letters + the most common middle two letters + the most common final letters to generate names. technically what i did was not averaging so much as moding, but that is splitting hairs and in the world of playboy playmates, there are not always a lot of hairs to split.

things to observe when looking at pictures of playmates’ [names]

• watch how their first names change from ending in e to ending in a over time.
• gawk at how their last names either end exclusively in er or on.
• ponder why the relatively underused english letters j and k are oddly predominant.
• fantasize about what the averaged playmate name for all playmates from 1955 to 2010 could be. hint: it’s the very unsexy “maarne collon.”

anywhosies, i’m off to meet my voluptuous invented girlfriend candra callon for some shrimp cocktails and couples foot massages, cheers.

bang the librarian hard

if you or one of your two dozen sex partners has a “thing” for sweaty, moany library intercourse (or sweaty, moany intercourse with sweaty, moany librarians) then you may enjoy dan and gail lester’s the image of librarians in pornography website a little too much. this page catalogues pulp novels published between 1978 and 1988 in the little-studied sub-genre of librarian kink.

here are a few stereotypes that you can expect to encounter in this odd genre: 

• a frigid old librarian who just needs to be turned on
• a virgin young librarian who is not interested in sex, but has an orgasm and is interested in more sex
• a nymphomaniacal young female librarian
• a virgin male head librarian who is seduced

also amusing is how dan and gail make semi-academic notes about the library-ness of each book 

• Most of the library and librarian descriptions are reasonable, except for the number of books on a book cart.
• There is much more privacy and isolation than typical in a school library.

finally, if you are not sure what to read on the ski lift or between triple salchow jumps at the local skating rink, here are a few titles that might restore your vigor:

• Eager Beaver Librarian
• Horny Balling Librarian
• Hot Mouth Librarian
• The Librarian Licks Big Ones
• The Librarian’s Hot Urges
• Line Up for the Librarian
• What a Librarian! 

ellipsoid glandular bodies

longtime ragbag bosom buddy, ramona has written in to tell us that both salep (the turkish drink made from orchid flour) and orchids themselves both derive from words meaning testicle. 

salep supposedly comes from the arabic phrase: ḥasyu al-tha`lab which means fox balls. orchid is of course from the greek word for testicle (three guesses what an orchidometer measures or what an orchidectomy involves removing).

you would think that a flower as dainty as the orchid would be associated with feminine organs, but that is only because you are looking at the top half of the plant. once you start digging down below, you will quickly find yourself cupping a hairy pair of root nuggets.

who want’s to be the georgia o’keeffe of a flower’s bottom half?

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ramona also tells us, a little too excitedly if you ask me, that avocado is the nahuatl word for the same little dangling sperm balloons, and if you said the word to a proper nahua spinster, she would probably die of extreme mortification on the spot.

he has 2 and they dangle nicely

as many of you know, i spent my formative years living in a trappist priory. while i am no longer affiliated with that order or the religion that it practices, i am still besieged from time to time with mnemonic flashes of arcane catholic lore. take yesterday for example when a friend of mine who restores antique furniture showed me his chaise percée, and all i could think of was the pope and his dangling holy testicles.

according to catholic rumormill, after the [potentially] mythical pope joan started giving birth to a baby during a papal mass and everyone realised that they had a reverse crying game situation on their hands—the college of cardinals had to devise some scheme to authenticate the masculinity of the next pope »

All subsequent popes were then supposedly subjected to an examination whereby, having sat on a dung chair containing a hole called sedia stercoraria, a cardinal had to reach up and establish that the new pope had testicles, before solemnly announcing “Duos habet et bene pendentes” — “He has two, and they dangle nicely.

while two such papal chairs do exist (one is in the louvre and the other is still in st. peter’s basilica), nobody—not even snopes dot com—can say whether or not this comically absurd practice is true, untrue or mega-true. 

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see also: deuteronomy 23:1

for bestiary: curupi, a guaraní fertility spirit with a penis so enormous that he wears it as a belt.

says wikipædia »

Kurupi is often blamed for unexpected or unwanted pregnancies. His penis is said to be prehensile, and owing to its length he is supposed to be able to extend it through doors, windows, or other openings in a home and impregnate a sleeping woman without even having to enter the house.

what a party trick! i’m going to have to learn this one.

a more modern take on what curupi would look like as a super villain (or super hero depending on your view on enormous prehensile penises.) from here.

kama chameleon

i was reading the kama sutra last night trying to figure out the mechanics of congress of the cow when i came across this charming illo by vātsyāyana. now if you’ll excuse me, i’m off to boston garden to find me a prostitute bibliophile who might be interested in performing the cobra with me on this radiant day of spring.

the coolidge effect

the sum total of everything that i know about calvin coolidge, the 30th president of the you-ess-aye is from his interaction with the quipster dorothy parker. she sat next to the famously quiet president at a dinner once and said, “mr. coolidge, i’ve made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.” his famous reply: “you lose.”

so you will excuse my shock when it came to my attention that calvin coolidge has a sexual phenomenon named after him. the coolidge effect states that “males show continuously high sexual performance given the introduction of new receptive partners” and has been observed in nearly every species in which it has been tested.

so what has calvin “silent cal” coolidge to do with sexual promiscuity? here’s what »

During a tour of a chicken farm, Mrs. Coolidge asked the farmer how often a rooster can mount a hen. The farmer replied, “About 40 times a day,” whereupon the first lady replied, “Please tell this to my husband.” After the farmer conveyed that information to the president, Coolidge asked whether the rooster mounted the same hen 40 times and was informed that it mounted 40 different hens. Upon learning this information, Coolidge replied, “Please tell this to my wife.”

audiobooks out of context #7

this is the seventh post in the audio books out of context series. posts in this series publish themselves every (π²√5)² hours. the next post is scheduled for release on february 28th, 2010 at 12:35. by that time j.m. coetzee will have celebrated his 70th birthday and hunter s. thompson, his 5th yahrzeit.

achtung: while these excerpts are presented out of context, i should warn you that before you go blasting the audio throughout the church pew from which you normally browse the ragbag, that this excerpt gets kind of hot and heavy and is therefore enn-ess-eff-double-you. additionally, this audio sample serves to illustrate how what may be sublime on the page can quickly become ridiculous when read aloud.

the previous post in this series was excerpted from (an english translation of) jules verne’s around the world in 80 days (1873). mark matienzo was the first digital archivist at yale to point this out.

for wunderkammer: a koteka (a decorative penis sheath made from a gourd) because if there’s one thing that the wunderkammer needs more of, it’s ornaments for one to decorate one’s penis with.

bonus koteka nugget from wikipædia »

In 1971-1972 the government of New Guinea launched “Operasi Koteka” (“Operation Penis Gourd”) which consisted primarily of trying to encourage the people to wear shorts and shirts because such clothes were considered more “modern.” But the people did not have changes of clothing, did not have soap, and were unfamiliar with the care of such clothes so the unwashed clothing caused skin diseases. There were also reports of men wearing the shorts as hats and the women using the dresses as carrying bags.

effyu operation penis gourd—stop trying to tell my friends what they can and can’t wear on their penises.