between great expectations and groans

one of the 318 things that i find amusing about reading old timey newspapers is how the editors used to include unabridged transcriptions of entire speeches. each time that mark twain, for instance, gave a little monologue on his book tours, it would usually appear in the local paper the next day. so faithful were the transcriptions that non-verbal events like gestures [scratches head] and audience reactions [jeers] were recorded as well.

because of my well-documented infatuation with non-verbal language, i thought it might be a hoot to present an entire speech using only audience reactions. few speeches hold up to this treatment better than a lecture on smoking given in 1887 by thomas henry huxley (aldous’ grandpappy). be sure to stick around for the surprise twist ending that nobody, not even the wildly cheerful anti-tobacconists, could see coming.

select crowd reactions from huxely’s speech on smoking to the british assembly

[LOUD CHEERS FROM THE ANTI-TOBACCONISTS]
[REPEATED CHEERS]
[VOCIFEROUS CHEERING]
[MURMURS]
[GREAT EXPECTATIONS]
[GROANS]
[DISMAY AND CONFUSION OF THE ANTI-TOBACCONISTS]
[ROARS OF LAUGHTER FROM THE SMOKERS]
[TOTAL ROUT OF THE ANTI-TOBACCONISTS, AND COMPLETE TRIUMPH OF THE SMOKERS]

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the included image is, of course, not actually thomas huxley. it’s actually toby jones portraying huxley in the charles darwin blockbuster that came out a few years ago. if you want to see other representations of the cartoonishly handsome biologist, you need look no further than huxley’s personal google images page.

select non-verbal subtitles from the movie shrek

[PAPER RUSTLING]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[BELCHES]
[RECORD SCRATCHING]
[GINGERBREAD MAN WHIMPERS]
[TRUMPET FANFARE]

[WIND HOWLING]
[DONKEY WHISPERING]
[CHORUS VOCALIZING]
[SHREK GROANS]
[DRAGON GROWLING IN THE DISTANCE]

[FIRE CRACKLING]
[ORCHESTRA]
[MUSIC STOPS, REWINDS]
[SNORING]
[SIZZLING]
[KISSING SOUNDS]
[ACCORDION]

[KARATE YELL]
[MERRY MEN GASPING]
[BLUBBERING]
[BONES CRUNCH]
[MUFFLED MUMBLING]
[FANFARE]
[DRAGON ROARS]
[BELCHES]
[HYSTERICAL LAUGHING]
[INSTRUMENTAL]

select non-verbal subtitles from the movie goodfellas (in 4 acts): 

[BANGING]
[BANGING]
[BANGING CONTINUES]
[MULTIPLE GUNSHOTS]
[HENRY’S MOTHER SCREAMS]
[RAIN PELTING]
[POP BALLAD BEGINS]
[WISEGUYS LAUGH]

[AMBIENT RESTAURANT SOUNDS]
[GREETINGS EXCHANGED]
[DRUM ROLL]
[BAND MUSIC STARTS]
[JIMMY AND MORRIE CONTINUE BICKERING]
[BRUCE GRUNTS IN PAIN]
[GUNSHOTS]

[AMBIENT NIGHTCLUB SOUNDS]
[CLANGING OF SHOVEL]
[HENRY GAGS AND VOMITS]
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
[BOOKIE GRUNTS]
[SOUNDS OF ZOO ANIMALS]
[GAVEL BANGS]
[DOOR SLAMS]

[WITH ITALIAN ACCENT]
[WISEGUYS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
[NARC CACKLES]
[HENRY SIGHS]
[KAREN SOBS]
[HENRY CLEARS HIS THROAT]
[GUNSHOTS]

select non-verbal subtitles from the movie idiocracy*

[MAN NARRATING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[SCOFFS]
[GROANS]
[ORANGUTAN CHATTERING]
[BACKUP WARNING BEEPING]
[MAN WATCHING TV]
[MAN LAUGHING]
[FLUSHES]
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
[WARNING BUZZER BUZZING]
[ELECTRONIC VOICE]
[MACHINE-GUN FIRE]
[EXPLOSION]
[IMITATES FARTING, CHUCKLES]
[ALL CHUCKLING]
[WITH EFFEMINATE VOICE]
[ENGINE REVVING]
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[NARRATOR]
[ALL CHEERING]

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*in order of appearance.

select non-verbal subtitles from the movie the bourne identity*

[ THUNDER ]
[ GUN COCKING ]
[ MAN SPEAKING GERMAN ]
[ ALARM BLARING ]
[ ALARM CONTINUES BLARING ]
[ MACHINE GUN FIRE ]
[ BOURNE SPEAKING FRENCH ]
[ BOURNE SPEAKING GERMAN ]
[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
[ HORNS HONKING ]
[ VOMITS ]
[ BAG THUMPS ON FLOOR ]
[ ELECTRONIC BEEPING ]
[ PAPERS RUSTLING ]
[ SIREN WAILING ]
[ TIRES SKID ]
[ BIRDS TWITTERING ]
[ HIGH-SPEED DIALING ]
[ SPEAKERPHONE FEEDBACK ]
[ GIRL GIGGLING IN DISTANCE ]
[ BOURNE BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ GUNSHOT ]
[ GRUNTS ]
[ WOOD CREAKING ]
[ SHELL CASINGS]
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]
[ TECHNO ]

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*in order of appearance. previously.

select non-verbal subtitles from the movie high school musical*

[KID BLOWS NOISEMAKER]
[GIRLS CHATTER]
[& SOFT ROCK]
[CHEERING/FIREWORKS EXPLODE]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
[BALLS BOUNCING RHYTHMICALLY]
[PLAYERS WHOOPING AND YELLING]
[SCOFFS]
[BADLY OFF-KEY]
[HIGH-PITCHED]
[WHINNIES LIKE A HORSE]
[ALL GASPING]
[TROY SINGING]
[FRUSTRATED GRUNT]
[DOG BARKING]
[CLASSROOM CHATTER]
[BELL RINGING, STUDENTS YELLING]
[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]
[CHEERING, DRUMMERS DRUMMING]
[VOCAL GIBBERISH]
[TRILLS TONGUE]
[CHEERLEADERS CHEERING IN BACKGROUND]
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

__

*in order of appearance.

select non-verbal subtitles from the movie titanic*

[SONAR PINGS]
[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]
[CURSING IN SWEDISH]
[WHOOPING AND YELLING]
[ROSE RUNNING AND SOBBING]
[MUSIC BOX]
[BOILER BLASTING]
[ROSE CLEARS THROAT]
[ALARM BELL CLANGING]
[MEN SCREAMING]
[WATER GURGLING]
[SHIP CREAKING]
[CREWMAN SHOUTING ORDERS]
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
[PASSENGERS YELLING]
[YELLING IN CZECH]
[GUNSHOT]
[GUNSHOT]
[CHILD WAILING]
[ORCHESTRA STILL PLAYING]
[CABLES SNAPPING]
[METAL GROANING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[SHIP CREAKING]
[PLANKS SPLITTING]
[EVERYONE SCREAMING]
[DISTANT MOANS AND CRIES FOR HELP]
[VOICES OF SEARCHERS]

__

*in order of appearance. previously.

select non-verbal subtitles from the movie troy* 

[WARRIORS CHEERING]
[WARRIORS CHUCKLING]
[GASPS]
[GRUNTING]
[BANGING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
[WARRIORS MUMBLING]
[CROWD SINGING AND LAUGHING]
[HORSE NEIGHS]
[ODYSSEUS CHUCKLING]
[BRISEIS WHIMPERING]
[HELEN SOBBING]
[CROWS CAWING]
[PARIS GROANING]
[KNIFE CLANGING]
[HORN BLOWING]
[WARRIORS SCREAMING]
[CRYING]
[GASPING]
[SOBBING]
[MEN GROANING AND SCREAMING]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
[GASPS]
[MEN SHOUTING]

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*in order of appearance