future dissertations

now that some of my fake and real friends are publishing things, i wonder what the next generation of dissertation titles will look like. enter the very amusing pomo english title generator and a sackful of unsuppressible titters:

• Negation and Means of Production: Grant and O’Connell, Coming and Crying and Edges
• Riaz Moola Hybridizing Diaspora: Boys Without Fathers and the Darkness of Margins
• The Multiculturalism of Suppression and the Fragmented in Molly Young and Christopher Luxton’s Troubleshooting.
• Assimilating, Interpreting, Aestheticizing: Positing Fictive Xenophobia in Justine Kilkerr’s Advice for Strays

an unexplained absence

salve citizens,

i have been away from the thing called the internet for the better part of ten days. this mysterious disappearance was due to a spirit journey that i pretended to undertake in the white mountains of new hampshire. while i cannot reveal the 14 new enlightenments about my psyche that i feigned to achieve, i can tell you that the tutelary deity that assisted me took the form of an overly musky, bucktoothed marmot by the name of mistress dragonsong.

because of my unexpectedly long absence, i failed to oversee two critical ragbag items and thus offer the following programming announcement:

• the third installment in the gripping audio books out of context series failed to automatically post itself due to a software glitch similar to the y2k “willennium” bug. because of the many 1s and 0s involved, it is unknown at what point in the future or in the past that this installment will ever post itself. you will be delighted to learn that the fourth installment has not been affected and is due to appear on the 14th of december at 10:10 am.
• one year ago on december 4th, my gastroenterologist and i posted a bunch of titillatingly raunchy quotes under the cloak of highbrow literature. we decided that if we were both around a year from then, we would continue the tradition. technically, i wasn’t still around when december 4th came this year—i was gumming up peyote buttons in an underground labyrinth assisting mistress dragonsong with her tick problem. because of this loophole in the fabric of time, i am happy to announce that the second annual sex & literature day will be officially observed on thursday, december 17th, 2009.

i thank you for your patience and hope to reward it tomorrow with a special week-long feature that has been giving me the metaphorical excitement of 34 viagra pills.

as of last night @ 2100 EDT

i have resumed my love affair with technology. i started out with a primitive hammer fashioned out of squirrel vertebrae and by midnight had worked up to operating a cotton gin. this morning it was an oven powered by “micro” waves (for heating up m’ cream o’ wheat) and reading (and not yet responding to) over 14 billion electronic mails. by this afternoon i hope to have mastered usb 3.0 and web 4.0.

a note from the editor of the ragbag

i will be temporarily divorcing all forms of technology (including my casio calculator wristwatch) for the next two weeks as i will be on holiday touring a part of the world known as florida. i have enlisted the help of a guestblogger who, ironically, is a robot (i am using technology to help me escape from technology). so, even though i will be gone, expect my roboblogger to relay a genuine ragbag post at about the rate of 1.82 per day.

thank you for not discriminating against robots the way that they do in battlestar galactica. also, if you WOULD like to discriminate against my roboblogger (which is perfectly acceptable because it is inferior in every way) you can click here which will take you to a random post that you may not have seen yet.

now holding auditions

for raynor ganan impersonators. it will be your responsibility to be my decoy at real life tumblr meetups. i will give you access to all my best accessories (sock garters, pocket squares, eyepatches, a bottomless flask of peach schnapps, etc.) as well as certain never-before-released-anecdotes (about the time that i was caught clipping my toenails in the executive washroom, or my father’s props of choice when instructing me about the birds and how they do it with the bees, etc.)

in return, you will write me a detailed report about what my favourite tumblrs are like in person taking comprehensive notes on the differences between their online and nonline personae. also: who among them is trying to get freaky with whom else among them.

you will be the face of the raynor ganan enterprise, i will be the brains, and sijuwade ogunsakin (my nigerian penpal who writes all my posts for me) will be in charge of the crucial online component.