bogman’s last supper

last fall, with the aid of an attractive botanist who has the hots for my older brother, i began perfecting a 2,400 year-old recipe for gruel. there are older food recipes* out there but this one is certainly the most precise. it contains over 25 ingredients (one of which is fine sand) and takes days to make (mostly because gathering seeds is highly time consuming). 

you might be wondering how such an old recipe was recorded—and the answer is neither parchment nor clay. in fact this particular gruel recipe was reverse-engineered from the stomach contents of a murdered european man from the age of iron. because his body was preserved for posterity in bog water, modern scientists have been able to determine (down to the smallest kernel) the type of gruel that the bogman had for dinner—and the answer is danish weedseed gruel.

i have written about the bogman and given my own recipe for his gruel over at the awl. if you’re so inclined, you can make your own tonight—you’ll just have to fly to denmark with your gleaning basket to do so*.

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*for instance, check out this 3900 year-old sumerian beer-making poem.

*the fine print: some of the ingredients may cause photosensitivity and blistering of the skin.

bogman’s last supper illustration by niels bach

on eating elephant

what does elephant taste like? some intrepid individual over at the awl searches through every single book on the google books website and gets an answer for you. 

As anyone educated by “The Flintstones” knows, one of prehistoric man’s favorite meals was barbecued mastodon ribs. Paleolithic cave paintings seem to support the claim (though whether the ribs were prepared with a dry rub or marinade is still a hot topic in archaeological journals). In fact, evidence suggests that early hunters found their way to the new world in the first place by chasing mammoth herds as they fanned across continents. So how did the cow, an ugly-looking milk monster from Vermont, become the utilitarian protein of the masses while the elephant, the mammoth’s lumbering grand-nephew, is only ever eaten in animal cracker form? The long answer involves section headings like animal lifespan, infrastructure, social taboos, endangered species lists and insurmountable husbandry challenges.

The short answer, however, is simple: the elephant has the strength of a hundred Danny Trejos. Add in its trunk and a set of thrashing tusks, and it’s best not to mess with one. But back in the day, certain adventurous individuals did eat elephant flesh and live to tell the tale for our vicarious benefit. Here are their wild accounts. READ MORE

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special thanks to aaron cohen for his help in gathering information.

for bestiary: a fatu-livu (or gillygaloo), a mythical bird that lays square eggs. early twentieth century humorist george shepard chappell claimed that the eggs themselves resembled dice and could be employed in that capacity in a pinch.

luckily for you and i, learning how to lay square eggs is not the only method of producing them—we can always use this intriguing contraption. 

words wholly unrelated

mouse & dormouse

both are freaky little rodents and both have the word mouse in their name, but neither word is related. mouse comes from the old english word mus while dormouse most likely comes from the latin word dormir meaining “to sleep” (the dormouse is inactive in the winter).

incidentally, as long as i still have this cookbook infronta me, here is schwabe’s recipe for ancient rome-style stuffed dormice:

prepare a stuffing of dormouse meat, pepper, pine nuts, broth, asafœtida, and some garum. stuff the mice and sew them up. bake them in the oven on a tile.

just like mama used to make

if you are getting tired of making each and every one of rachael ray’s “entréetizers” you may be interested in a cookbook that orson just got me. it’s called unmentionable cuisine (1979) by calvin schwabe and features authentic recipes for taboo meats. the “ozark stuffed opossum” caught my eye, as did “grilled rat bordeaux style” which recommends using wine cellar rats because of their high alcohol content.

but what really made my salivary glands frothy—is the recipe “cuyes a la arequipeña” (guinea pig arequipa style). in peru, guinea pigs are widely consumed, even by vegetarians. it is said that their meat is similar to that of a rabbit, although it tasted more like gerbil to me. anyhow, in honor of my very good friend alfonso who is getting married this weekend in lima, here is the recipe for cuyes a la arequipeña that combines all three traditional andean ingredients (i’ll spare you the method of at-home slaughtering, though will mention that it involves the word disarticulation)

fry meat along with finely chopped onions and a generous amount of crushed garlic in oil until golden. add fresh yellow chili peppers (previously seeded, soaked in saltwater, and ground into a paste), black pepper, and salt. cook a bit and add quite a bit of ground toasted peanuts (or peanut butter), several boiled potatoes, and a couple of potatoes mashed with a fork.

et voilà!

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image credit: 8th result on google image search for “guinea pig” with the safe search off, because that is how raynor ganan lives his life: without filters and haplessly surrounded by ben wa balls.

‘striches, bitches

An ostrich, on the average, gives about 60 pounds (30 kilograms) of meat and 40 pounds (20 kilograms) of fat.

The flesh of this bird, forbidden to the Jews and the Moslems, was much valued by the Romans. The second Apicius dedicated a special sauce to it.

The full extent of the entry on ostrich (autruche) in The Larousse Gastronomique by Prosper Montagné (1961). The ladies above look underwhelmed.

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the content and capital letters of this post have been brought to you by the ever plucky ramona ranchera.

how to make cockle bread -or- for wunderpantry: cockle bread

cockle bread was a popular stuart-era baked good said to excite the passions of men. young women would make it for the objects of their affection by sitting on raw dough with their naked derriere, kneading it with their privy parts by madly wriggling around and singing the cockle bread song:

my dame is sick and gonne to bed
and i’ll go mould my cockle bread
up with my heels and down with my head
and this is the way to mould cockle bread

this is how yeast infections began*.

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*this is a spurious claim
sources: wikipædia and brand’s popular antiques (1905).

foods named after famous writers

who among us hasn’t fantasized about having a delectible dish named in their honour? i for one tried to convince my college roommate that peanut-butterfinger-and-jelly à la raynor (an open-faced pb&j with butterfinger crumbles on texas toast) would be the next big thing™. i doubt that pb&j à la raynor can be found on the menus of better restaurants, though here is a list of dishes that can (or could):

• Lamprey à la Rabelais · a preparation of lamprey eels · named for François Rabelais, the French satirist.
• Lobster cutlets à la Shelley · fried lobster cutlets with mushrooms and cream sauce · named in honour of Percy Bysshe Shelley.
• Omelette Arnold Bennett · an unfolded omelette with smoked haddock · invented at the Savoy Hotel for the writer Arnold Bennett.
• Omelette André Theuriet · an omelette with truffles and asparagus · named after French novelist and poet André Theuriet.
• Salade à la Dumas · a potato and beet salad · created by Alexandre Dumas.
• Schillerlocken · cream-filled puff pastry cornets · named after the curly hair of the German poet Friedrich von Schiller.
• Timbales à la Irving · a preparation of of minced meat in a rich sauce baked in a small pastry mold · named for Washington Irving.
• Turkey-Grenades à la Jules Verne · turkey and rice in a puff pastry in a cream sauce · named for Jules Verne.
• Veal pie à la Dickens · veal in pie form · created upon the occasion of Charles Dickens visiting Delmonico’s in New York City.
• Wild Duckling à la Walter Scott · duck with Dundee marmalade and whisky · named for the Scottish writer Walter Scott.
• Bisque of Shrimps à la Melville· prawn soup · named for Herman Melville. 

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pictured: schillerlocken
note: several of these dishes were created by chef-to-the-stars, charles ranhofer. if you are interested in attempting to make them, many of their recipes can be found in ranhofer’s encyclopædic cookbook, the epicurean (1894).

arachnivores unite!

Even individuals amongst the more polished nations of Europe are recorded as having a similar taste [in spiders]; so that if you could rise above vulgar prejudices, you would in all probability find them a most delicate morsel. …Reaumur tells us of a young lady, who, when she walked in her grounds, never saw a spider that she did not take and [pop into her mouth] upon the spot. Another female, the celebrated Anna Maria Schurman, used to eat them like nuts, which she affirmed they much resembled in taste, excusing her propensity by saying that she was born under the sign Scorpio.

If you wish for the authority of the learned: Lalande, the celebrated French astronomer, was equally fond of these delicacies, according to Latreille. And if, not content with eating spiders seriatim, you should feel desirous of eating them by handfuls. You may shelter yourself under the authority of the German immortalized by Rosel, who used to spread them upon bread like butter, observing that he found them very useful.

These edible spiders, and such like, are all sufficiently disgusting, but we feel our nausea quite turned into horror when we read in Humboldt, that he has seen the Indian children drag out of the earth centipedes 18 inches long, and more than half an inch broad, and devour them.

i was born under the sign of scorpio AND i am absolutely starving right now. if only this succulent delicacy was still in my kitchen…

from the curiosities of food by peter lund simmonds (1859).

for wunderpantry: 3,000 year-old bog butter »

Bog butter is an ancient waxy substance found buried in peat bogs, particularly in the United Kingdom and in Ireland. Likely an old method of making and preserving butter.

and you thought that century eggs were the oldest delicacies in my cupboard—well you miscalculated by a factor of ten (and a multiple of three)!

on eating a man[atee]

(emphasis mine)

Manatees… are, according to my friend, Chief Justice Temple, frequently caught and brought to the market of Belize, where they are snapped up with the greatest avidity.

The flesh of the manatus is white and delicate, and tastes like young pork eaten fresh or salted, while the fat forms excellent lard. The cured flesh keeps long without corruption, and it will continue good several weeks, even in the hot climate of which it is a native, when other meat would not resist putrefaction for as many days…The fat, which lies between the entrails and skin has a pleasant smell, and tastes like the oil of sweet almonds. It makes an admirable substitute for butter, and does not turn rancid in the sun. The fat of the tail is of a firmer consistence, and when boiled is more delicate than the other fat.

I do not, myself, fancy the flesh of this brute, for it is so inhumanly human—it reminds one so much of a mermaid, or of one of the fifty daughters of Nereus, that to eat it seems to me to be an approximation to cannibalism. It appears horrible to chew and swallow the flesh of an animal which holds its young to its breast, which is formed exactly like that of a woman, with paws resembling human hands.

from the curiosities of food by peter lund simmonds (1859).

the original little cæsar’s menu

suppose that (despite all odds) you have just been elected the chief priest of the roman state religion and you want to show your gratitude (and get a little publicity as well) by throwing a lavish dinner for the felyshyppynge of virgins that tend rome’s fire up at the atrium vestal. what are you gonna prepare?

for starters, they are virgins so you would not want to excite their libidos too much with phalliod sausages or erotic cakes. it might also be a smart political manœuver to keep the lavish menu on the frugal side as the roman economy is in a bear market right now and the last thing that you want to do is give your rascally opponents (catulus and publius) reason to slander you in their blogs.

you are perhaps the world’s greatest political and martial tactician yet your choice in matters culinary is now the most important decision of your life. it’s your move, hot shot.

[spoiler alert] this is the answer: i give you—the menu of dinner given by julius caesar to the vestal virgins after his election as pontifex maximus. rome 63 b.c.

i. service

prickly globe-fish, oysters of different kinds, thrushes, asparagus, fattened chicken, oyster-patties, black and white sea-acorns (a kind of mussels), sea-nettles, fig-packers (snipe), cotelettes of venison and wild boar, fattened wild game powdered with flour

ii. service

swine udders, wild boar’s head, swine-udder patties, ducks, potted teal ducks, roasted wild game, pudding, custard, pientinish sandwiches

wines

falerno, xérès, spanish médoc

image from the buttolph menu collection (this is a real thing) of the new york public library (1888).

a delicacy i have yet to try: chinook olives

Speaking of the Chinooks, Paul Kane describes a delicacy manufactured by some of the Indians among whom he traveled, and called by him ”Chinook olives.” They were nothing more or less than acorns soaked for five months in human urine.

from: the use of human ordure and human urine in rites of a religious or semi-religious character among various nations (1888) [this is a real book]

related: lant